Kenzington's New Room!

Kenzi's room has gone from a nursery to a big girl room over this past week! She inherited the basement furniture and Jon diligently sanded, painted and moved everything last week. Our amazing neighbor, Amy, came over and helped to arrange her room, as I am terrible at that kind of thing and then last night, helped to hang things up on the wall and get things arranged the right way! (And yes, there are no pictures in some of the frames...ok, any of them...but this will be done soon!) I started working on her bedspread a while ago, but now that we need a full-size one, I need to get more fabric! My mom is helping to get it done, as it is slightly time consuming! I'll post pics as soon as that is done! So the Cinderella blanket will have to do for now!

Just checking!

So I just found out that the way I was linking my blogger to Facebook no longer exists, which is why Iken's announcement post didn't go through the right way! Just using this to check and see if the new way is working! And a throwback of Jackson to check the imaging!

Intoducing Iken Cadwell!!

So this is more than a tad overdue, but better late than never!  

Iken Cadwell Burns entered this world on April 24, 2015 at 12:23 p.m. weighing 6 lbs 11 oz, 18 3/4" long! He wins the prize for the biggest baby at our house...along with the hardest and longest labor! It took him 17 hours from when I started noticing contractions to his arrival! (Jackson was about 10 hrs and Kenzi was around 6 hours!) so if I talked with anyone that day and made no sense whatsoever, I apologize! No sleep for over 36 hours really messes with a person! He also wins the prize for being the best nurser and best sleeper so far! This kid knows what he's doing! 

A lot of people have asked about his name. Jon and I both liked Ike, but we wanted a name with a nickname. So I googled 'names with the nickname Ike' and Iken came up on that search on one of the baby name site. Cadwell is the last name of Jon's golf coach, who was a very influential and inspiring person to both of us! Denny & Terryl were host couple at our wedding as well, so there is no better way to honor such a positive and faithful man in our eyes! 

Iken has settled right on into our hearts and lives. Jackson & Kenzington absolutely adore him! Neither of them can go more than a few minutes without touching him, kissing him, talking to him..both are completely smitten with him, as you can tell! 

Life has been busy since Ike arrived! Now that we know that Iken will be moving in with Jackson, we had to figure out what to do for Kenzi's room. So no better time than to get the ball rolling than Monday! Jon and I had to go to town, as Iken's bilirubin has been high so we needed that rechecked. We decided that we would get a new bedroom set for us, move our furniture to the basement and then paint the basement furniture for Kenzi! I feel like we almost moved in again we had so many things moved lol over! I'll post pictures as soon as we get everything arranged, unpacked and looking picture worthy! 

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts to everyone who prayed for us, supported us, loved us, fed us...all of it has meant so much to us! Iken is truly a blessing sent from above and we are so thankful to have him in our lives! 

Again, I apologize for the delay in updating! 

All in Due Time!

So here we are...a week off bed rest and no Little Bean yet! But I have gotten so many things done in just a week! I've cleaned up landscaping things, deep cleaned the living room and kitchen...packed lol of the bags, AND gone back to work! 

I went back on Monday and it feels great to be back...I'm only working 4 hours a day but it feels wonderful! I'm hoping that being up and around more will help this babe decide to make his/her grand entrance into this world! We are all getting very anxious about this. Kenzi has been fairly insistent that she is going to be a big sister on Friday, so hopefully she's right! I've been trying to go for walks to try and build up some more endurance, which went out the window with this bed rest...and hoping it'll start some labor! 

I keep reminding myself to just be patient, but it does put the thought into my head that I spent all this time keeping this baby in and now he/she won't come out! I know that every day of bed rest was important and necessary but it still feels odd...and makes me wonder if that strict of bed rest and staying down for everything except my dr appt and church was really needed....oh well! It has gotten us to full-term and a (hopefully!) healthy baby! 

And I need to remember to simply have faith and know that God has the best timing yet...and I need to let go of the fact that I may miss Kenzi's dance recital and we may miss the wedding we're both hoping and praying we get to go to, but God knows the perfect time...not us! And I need to simply trust...as I have this entire pregnancy, from start to finish. 

Please pray for a fast, easy delivery and that I go on a day that Dr. McNamara is there and on call. It would feel wrong to have him put forth so much time and effort, words of encouragement, and at times, a lot of hand-holding, to keep this kiddo in to not get the prize of bringing this babe into the world! 

Until next time...and hopefully it's an update with a baby! 

ALMOST in the clear!!!

 

We are so close to being in the clear, I can smell it!! In less than 36 hours, we avoid an automatic admission to the NICU!! What a HUGE relief!!! I've always told Dr. McNamara that I am NOT taking that baby to the NICU if we don't have to...and unless something else crazy happens, not related to his/her gestational age!

 

I had another great appointment today. Little bean is weighing in at 5 lbs 13 oz *gasp* our biggest baby yet!! I'm actually surprised that this baby weighs that much already. Kenzi must really have that petite great-grandma Conrad gene in her...even from the start! I'm anxious to see how much this baby actually does weigh! Only a few more weeks to go until this baby's arrival!

When we began this journey, it began on a solid foundation of faith. Simple faith. And that is what has gotten me this far. Having pure faith is never always easy. You want to intervene with your own plan. Intervene with worry, intervene with anxiety. But I couldn't do that. I know that this baby has been fully wrapped in God's tender hand from the very beginning and before. This was a perfect quote to be reminded of...my faith tells me that NO MATTER WHAT lies ahead of me, whether that was the tears at the beginning, praying to not miscarry, tears when I got my cerclage, days turned into weeks which turned into months of sitting on our couch, days filled with prayer for a healthy baby, God is already there. And He always will be! That's what having faith is all about. It's not about showing up in church, how many bible verses you can say, it's about the faith in your heart that God is always there for you, always by your side and would do you no harm. Church and bible verses strengthen your faith, but it's not everything. You have to have the faith in the first place.

 

It has been a long 10 weeks and we are so close!! Jon is heading to Denison with the kids this weekend for our niece, Kirslyn's, baptism. It is so hard to miss it, but I know that driving 3 1/2 hours away isn't the best idea...even if I am going to be 36 weeks. I am sending all of my hugs, kisses and love with our kids and I know that they will deliver them all! They are crazy about Kirslyn and have been counting down the days, even when they just saw her last weekend!

 

And my last piece of exciting news is that I was offered a position as the Lead RN at our clinic! I had special permission to go and interview last week and am THRILLED to move into this roll! They are going to patiently wait for me, which I am very thankful for! So please pray for a smooth transition through all of the changes coming in our life! Who knows...the next update may be with our little bean safely and lovingly in our arms!!!

 

Gender Predictions

Everyone asks me what I think this baby is and I have no gut feeling one way or the other. So I thought I'd put together one of those gender predictions things together and see if it is right!

Heart Rate: It has almost ALWAYS been around 140-150. Girl

Cravings: It's been consistently sweets...mainly ice cream and candy bars! Girl

Baby Bump: Really hard to say! I'm pretty short waisted so don't really have much room for where a baby can go. They say if it is low, it's a boy. If it's high, it's a girl. I've looked at pictures from Jack's pregnancy and Kenzi's pregnancy and they all look pretty similar! Not sure

Chinese Birth Calendar: Mine says girl.

Wedding Ring test: Mine did a circle. Girl (although some of the stuff online says circle is boy, but most of them I found said a circle is girl)

 

Morning sickness: It started before I found out I was pregnant and lasted until about 26 weeks....same with Kenzi. Girl

 

Hair Growth: They say that extra hair growth on your legs is caused by elevated testosterone. I haven't had that this time around. Girl

 

Husband's family: More brothers than sisters. Old wives' tale says boy for this.

 

Feet: My feet have been on fire! My whole body seems hot! They say that's a girl.

 

Snacking: If I am going for a snack, I typically go for Colby jack cheese before I head for an apple. Boy

 

Chest size: A lot bigger. It's ridiculous. That says boy.

 

So those are the few quizzes that I've found and how it pans out. That makes it look a lot more like a girl than a boy! So I guess we will see...about the only thing that makes me lean more one way than another was one of the techs getting really quiet and when I asked what she was scanning and looking at she said the leg and she was hoping I hadn't noticed, as the baby wasn't being very secretive...which makes me think boy, but I didn't pay attention, so have no idea!

 

And an update...things have been going well. I'm now 35 weeks, which is AMAZING!!! I only have two more weeks to be at 37 weeks and really feel in the clearing for no NICU! Thank you again for all of the prayers! I have another growth ultrasound and doctor's appointment on Thursday, so hopefully our last set of good pictures and some good weight gain for baby! Until then...

 

 



Cruising right along!

33 weeks and we are cruising right along with this baby! Four more days until 34 weeks, which means we will have Jack's "record" beat and I am certainly glad to let Jack keep his record on this one!

 

We were sitting at the supper table last weekend and Jack was asking about how much longer it would be until Little Bean arrives. His teacher would be proud...math 101 for Jack!

 

Mom: I'm 33 weeks and the earliest we want Little Bean to come is 37 weeks. How many weeks is that?

 

Jack: 4 weeks

 

Mom: How many days in a week?

 

Jack: 7 days

 

Mom: Okay, so what is 7+7?

 

Jack: 14

 

Mom: What is 14+7?

 

Jack: 21

 

Mom: What is 21+7?

 

Jack: 28

 

Mom: That means we have 28 more days until we hit the earliest time for Little Bean to come.

 

HUGE SMILE from Jackson with a giddy giggle to go with it!!

 

We are trying to get ready...well, by trying that means that I am making a lot of lists of what needs to get done...furniture we need to move, things we need to get washed, baby items to get out, things that need to get purchased. I'm waiting until my cerclage comes out and then planning on heading to Target to get all of that (unless I get permission from my doctor for a special trip before that time!). One of those nesting things I really need to do myself...buy the diapers, get the bottles, all of the stuff ready for the hospital....organize the baby items...get ready for this baby to arrive! Only a few more weeks to go for that!!

 

Back in January, I'm not sure anyone else thought we would really make it this far. I knew in my heart that God would not give us this baby if we couldn't get the whole way without complications and an early delivery. It is what I prayed for...for years. I prayed for a healthy baby. I prayed for no hospitalization. Now, looking back, my mind was probably thinking bedrest...BUT I haven't been hospitalized for this pregnancy. I haven't been placed on super strict bedrest. With Kenzi, I was allowed to get up to go to the bathroom and take a shower every few days...not every day. I needed someone to drive me to the doctor. I was allowed to go downstairs for supper only. This pregnancy, while on bedrest, hasn't given me those restrictions...a true blessing. And with every prayer that has been lifted up, by us and for us, has given us this blessing! Every day, every kick, every time the kids feel this baby move, watching my stomach jump around...I know that it is all in God's hand...and having gotten this far and only had one blip of getting a cerclage placed, I know that is all Him. When you place something like this all in God's hands, you WILL see His hand in everything. Yes, there are times that a diagnosis isn't good and that things will be hard, but many times, when those people look back, they do see His hand somewhere...you just have to look for it. I could sit here and mope around, feeling sorry for myself that I haven't been able to work and have inconvenienced others, but I can't. God has given us this blessing and I need to look and find all of the small blessings He has given us through this time.

And so now we are on the downhill slope of this pregnancy. We are that much closer to having a baby in our arms!! And I am ecstatic! I can't wait to bring this baby into our family and into our lives. Kenzi has promised us all sorts of promises when she becomes a big sister...she won't yell anymore, she won't wake up crying, she will be nice all of the time....haha...we'll see how that goes! Here's to the next 25-40 some days until this baby arrives safely in our arms! Please pray for a safe entrance into this world and pray for our family as we get ready for this wonderful transition from a family of 4 to a family of 5!! We are giddy with anticipation and I can't wait!!

31 weeks

2 days until 32 weeks

30 days until 36 weeks

Currently: 31 5/7 weeks



I feel like doing a dance! Everything is stable...baby looks great and I don't have to go back for two weeks!! I haven't done that since about 15 or 16 weeks!! It feels like a sigh of relief to have a plan further than just a week. I go back in two weeks for just a regular OB appt and then two weeks after that for another growth ultrasound and then the cerclage will come out at 36-37 weeks! A plan...something I'm ecstatic to have!!

Little bean is weighing in at 3 lbs 14 oz and they said they can already see a LOT of hair! The tech said they typically can see some peach fuzz at this point, but you could see TONS of it! At the rate we're going, this babe might beat both kids in weight! Jackson was 4 lb 14 oz at 34 weeks and Kenzi was 5 lb 5 oz at 38 weeks. Little Bean wasn't being super cooperative for many pictures, as having his/her arm up by the face seemed more important! Kenzi was like that a lot and did it a lot after she was born too! 
The last few weeks have been kind of rough. I'm getting stir crazy at home...trying to make some hats or something, but not really having any reason to make them for besides just something to do feels unproductive, so that isn't keeping me extremely motivated right now. Knitting is okay, but so much more time consuming than crochet that I get bored easily and I'm trying to figure out the circular needles but that isn't easy....so the days and weeks have seemed longer, which hasn't been great for my emotions, to say the least! I've needed to take some time to refocus and came across this quote that seems so very appropriate right now.

I am having to sacrifice a lot right now...helping my family with things, like dishes and cleaning, sacrificing my job right now, that I adore and miss every day, sacrificing my sanity at times, sacrificing being able to meet our new niece or nephew who will arrive soon, sacrificing being able to travel, sacrificing seeing my kids at swimming lessons and seeing how much they learn, but then I think of all that I'm giving right now. I'm giving Little Bean the best possible outcome by doing this. I'm giving him/her another day to grow inside rather than in the confinements of the NICU. I'm giving our family another life...another sibling, another son or daughter to love and teach and adore. I'm giving through God's plan and bringing another life into this world...a life that He has planned well before my existence, to fulfill a purpose for Him. So when you look at the sacrifices that need to happen in order for this to happen...it doesn't seem like sacrifice at all. It is a blessing...and it is something that God has trusted me to do and I need to trust that He knows that in the end, this will all be fine. And I'll look back, as I did with Kenzi, and realize that it wasn't that long and in the grand scheme of things, the giving is way more important than the sacrifices.

 

This week, I'm going to request prayers for something different...for our sweet Kenzi. She has been struggling lately and I'm speculating that she is overly tired, but this change of routine and life in general has taken a toll on her behavior. Please pray for good sleep for her. Essentially since the last time change, her sleep has been off...and not just a little, a LOT! Before that, she had been sleeping through the night and now she's up frequently! We've gotten past the phase of her waking up and just screaming in the middle of the night...and we've gotten past her coming in our room nightly and wanting to crawl in bed with us, but this is exhausting! She has been going to bed okay, with the help of melatonin, but will often wake up at least once a night and waking up extremely early! She has always been a very light sleeper and I'm not sure if Jon getting up early for work is the difference, but we're talking like 5:45-6:15 every day. I thought that this time change would help her, but it has not. She is struggling at daycare to be nice and not yell at her friends, or take toys...it's getting frustrating for everyone involved. We are blessed that Stacey is understanding with everything going on, but I feel guilty taking her every day, knowing it won't be a good day. We've tried bribing her with candy, punishing her by missing things she wants to do, but regardless of good or bad, nothing is working. So please say some extra prayers for our sweet girl...that she gets good sleep, caught up on sleep she's lost and go back to being the sweet girl we all know and love!

 

We are so thankful that Jackson is taking this all in stride and is handling this well. He has tried his hardest with Kenzi in the mornings, to help her get ready and downstairs, getting her breakfast and trying to talk her back into a better mood. He has been doing great coming home in the afternoons and helping around the house. He is excited for the nice weather and glad to be outside! Soccer starts in a few weeks so he is excited.

 

Thanks again for checking in and all of the prayers! We're on the downhill slope, but are still in need of prayers for stability! Until next time...

Side by side

So I finally found the ultrasound pics of Kenzi to compare! 

Kenzi is on the left, Little Bean on the right! 

30 weeks

12 days until 32 weeks

54 days until 38 weeks

Currently: 30 2/7 weeks



Not a great pic, but what can I say...no makeup and hair all crazy! I need one of those shirts that says proud supporter of sweatpants and no makeup!

God truly has His hands on this baby...we've made it to 30 weeks!!! My appointment last week was fairly boring, hence why I didn't update then...not much to say. My length has stayed stable around 4-5mm. Dr. McNamara actually talked about when the cerclage will come out and delivery stuff! So I'm going to believe that we've hit some sort of relief from him and he's not as concerned...I mean, there are always unforeseen circumstances that could happen, such as an infection or something, but from a length standpoint and baby standpoint, we are looking good! The Procardia has kept any sort of contraction under control, which is good.  If they would start becoming stronger and more significant, it would cause dilating, which would be bad, as the cerclage is keeping my cervix closed...if they did become strong enough, the stitch could essentially rip out...not good. So the Procardia, as not fun as it is to wake up at 2 in the morning to take it, is doing it's job. 

So the plan, barring any complications, will be to take the cerclage out around 37 weeks and see what happens! I figured you'd take the cerclage out and bam, labor would start...but he said that only happens about 10% of the time! If I get to 39 weeks without going into labor, then we'll talk about induction...I told him that isn't even funny to talk about! I remember them saying that with Kenzi and wanting to cry...I spent all of these weeks trying to keep this baby in and now she won't come out! I did go into labor alone with Kenzi after being off Procardia and bed rest for 2 weeks, so let's hope it is similar...I really don't want to even think about induction!

We continue to pray for stability and quiet. The days are long but we've made it a long way so far...and have just as much time to go, but it is all worth it to get a healthy baby! I dream of being able to skip the NICU and have our kids run into my room to meet this babe and get to hold him/her right away, like Jack was able to. The difference between Jackson and Kenzington's birthdays was so vast...Jackson was having to pick and choose who got to go back and see him...lots of tears, monitors, weighing diapers, tracking every drop of milk he drank, isolettes, bili blankets, painful pumping, leaving without him. Kenzi was friends coming up when they wanted, nursing with ease, snuggling in bed, Jackson's smiling face running in, walking out of the hospital WITH a baby. I pray everyday that we get that experience again. Our kids pray for that every night. 

Again, we cannot say thank you enough for everyone who has brought over meals, helped out, came over to visit...each and every thing is so greatly appreciated and there aren't enough thank you'd in the world! 

The kids start swimming lessons today. Kenzi was so excited, she broke out her new swimsuit yesterday and ran around the house most of the afternoon! Hopefully it goes well! 

It was good while it lasted...

25 days until 32 weeks

67 days until 38 weeks

Currently: 28 3/7 weeks

Well, work was good while it lasted, but unfortunately, it's not lasting any longer. My length dropped to 3-4mm, so home it is. They put me on the monitor and I had a few contractions, but nothing significant. 

Little Bean looked great today! He/she weighs in at 2 lbs 4 oz and had a heart rate of 144. On the monitor, the heart rate stayed around 145-155. Jon thought this picture looked like Kenzi today! 

So while I know we have a long way to go, I know this is what needs to happen. I gave work a chance and needed that for my own peace of mind and to know I tried...but it's not in the cards. Dr. McNamara is giving me two outings a week: my OB appointment and church. I'm grateful and thankful that I can go to church...I didn't get that chance with Kenzi. I've said this from the start...I prayed for years for a healthy baby. We can do this. This will alter our life for a while, but it is not forever...whatever needs to happen to have a healthy baby is what we'll do. Our faith and love will get us through all of this! 

Thank you for your continued prayers. We need them all! 

28 weeks

28 days until 32 weeks

70 days until 38 weeks

 

Currently: 28 weeks

 

Happy Valentine's Day!! We've made it to 28 weeks today!! We don't have a lot of news right now. I went to work Friday afternoon and things went well. I felt fine, didn't have any problems and it was nice to see everyone again. But that's part of the problem...I've felt fine (minus two days when we did the steroid shots), but overall, I can't tell if things are worse or not, which is part of the challenge!

 

I'm going to work again on Monday and then go back to the doctor on Tuesday. We'll see then if I can continue to work half days or not.

 

We have to send out a huge thank you to everyone who has brought meals over, stopped for a visit, cleaned up our kitchen, and my colleagues who sent a huge box of yarn! It warms our hearts to have such love and support from everyone! Until Tuesday...have a wonderful Valentine's Day!



Feeling relieved

I am feeling so relieved right now! I just got back from my appointment and everything is stable. Cervical length is holding steady around 6-7mm but still remains 'dynamic' in that it changes frequently in length. But stability is still stability and I will take it!! So we have a plan to go back to work for 4 hours on Friday and again on Monday. I will go back on Tuesday and as long as things stay stable and I am feeling fine, we stay on this plan. 

So today is a 'winning' day! A friend of mine emailed me and said good doesn’t seem appropriate and ok just is a terrible word so hopefully you feel like in most things you are winning not losing! So we're going to go with that! 

Prayers that thing continue on this path...stability and baby baking...we're almost to 28 weeks! 

27 weeks

Well...here we are at 27 weeks!!! Not a great picture, but whatever...it's certainly a baby bump! What a huge sigh of relief to have hit 27 weeks...everyday is a better day than the last! 

My wonderful husband and son picked out this bright, new sweatshirt for me when they were running errands this weekend! Spoiled mama! 

We've had an interesting weekend, as Kenzi started spiking a temp on Thursday. I went to pick her up from daycare and she was laying on the floor, snuggling with her blankie. As soon as I got downstairs, she started crying, so I knew something was up! Her temp stayed around 100-101 but she acted ok. Yesterday, she acted fine, was playful and happy. Last night...different story! She was up at least 6-7 times....with angry noises, not crying, not screaming, just angry and not happy. We finally got her some Motrin and she fell asleep around 3. So Jon took her to Acute Care and sure enough...double ear infection, which is what I thought! So she bought herself 10 days of antibiotics, so hopefully will be a happier girl and finally eat something, as she hasn't eaten much except for breakfasts! 

I go back in on Wednesday, so please say an extra prayer for stability and many more weeks of baby cooking! 

I did finish a couple of going home hats for little bean! I love when I find a new pattern to love! 

Day 7

38 days until 32 weeks

73 days until 37 weeks

 

Currently: 26 4/7 weeks

 

I had an appointment on Monday and everything is stable and staying steady, which is a blessing! We are almost to 27 weeks, which will be my first big sigh of relief. Dr. McNamara wants to keep everything the same and see if things are stable next week. If they are, then there is a possibility of going back to work for half-days and see if things stay stable. If they don't, then back home. At this point, I'd be happy with any return for any sort of hours! Three days a week, two days a week...anything! And at the same time, if being home is what needs to happen to keep this baby growing and staying put, then home it is. We take anything and everything we can to keep this baby cookin'!

 

Our little twinkle toes had a half-time performance last night! She spent most of her time crowd watching but certainly didn't miss her favorite dance moves!

 

 

Jackson also has his own dance moves, o one of his favorite dance songs (although hard to hear and much to his mother's dismay!). He is providing good entertainment for me when he gets home from school. It's a relief to when his smiling face walks through the door after school!

 

 

Until next week with the next update!

Day 5

41 days until 32 weeks

76 days until 37 weeks

 

Currently: 26 1/7 weeks

 

Well, I've been at this resting thing for 5 days now and am surviving. Making hats, watching Netflix, hanging out. I decided that I'm going to start watching some of the classic movies I can find on Netflix! So far, I've watched Good Morning, Vietnam and Breakfast at Tiffany's.

 

Little Bean continues to be a very active baby and one of the big blessings is getting to savor every kick, every movement and learning about this baby. The movements are miraculous. Everyone in the family has felt Little Bean and the smile on their face when they feel them is something to cherish. Those smiles keep me going during these long days. They are genuine smiles straight from their hearts. I adore them!

I got this devotional a few years ago called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. When I first read it, I was completely amazed (and sometimes a little freaked out!) by how accurate it was for that day...how much it was just what I needed for that very day.  It was eerily spot on...a lot. So obviously, I've kept reading it over the past years. And once again, it has been spot on for what I need! Here is today's:

We are what seems like a mountain right now. If you look at the numbers and the goals, it seems overwhelming and too much. But if you step back, look at all of this as a whole, like Jesus does, it really isn't that huge of a mountain...not even a little. It is a small hill to get over in the grand scheme of life. And yes, while the days are long, the end seems forever away, they really aren't. I will even give My angels charge over you, to preserve you in all your ways. Our family has chosen to rely on God, on faith and on His timing to being Little Bean safely into this world. It's the only way that will work...so that's what we're going with. 

Thank you to each and every one of who have stopped by, called, text, FaceTimed...every interaction is very much appreciated! I can't even begin to explain how much they mean to me! From the bottom of my heart...thank you! Please keep the prayers coming! I have another Drs appointment tomorrow morning so please pray that everything is stable and there are no major problems! 

25 weeks

A friend left me a card today with this in it. It is what I need today. It's the exact reminder of what I need.

 

I'm perfectly imperfect. There's no one just like me, it's mind over matter, to be the best that I can be. As long as I keep going and to myself stay true, today will be the best day, no matter what I do.

 

I do not have a well-behaving, perfect cervix. My length is even less today, so the half-day plans have changed. They monitored me for a while and I was not having any significant contractions...maybe a few very tiny little blurps, but nothing that was "documentable." I'm going to start on Procardia, like I was on with Kenzi, just to be cautious and go from there. So yes, I am now on bedrest...at home. Whatever needs to happen to keep this little bean growing and inside.

 

They say that for every day you stay pregnant, it can decrease your NICU stay be 5 days. So every day is a blessing...a HUGE blessing! As I remember with Kenzi, goals are key...they are vital to get to what you want. Mind over matter. If you see it and can visualize it, it will happen. My goals are bold, yet simple:

 

1. No need to be hospitalized.

2. Have a term baby.

 

I have 81 days until I am 37 weeks, which they consider term. I want to say that I want short-term goals like two weeks...but 27 weeks isn't enough for me...I need 32 weeks for my first goal, which is 46 days...still a lot of days, but doable! I have to...there isn't an option. Healthy baby...that's what we need. In the grand scheme of this child's life, what is 46 days, or 81 days...a tiny blurp...in the grand scheme of life.

 

Please keep praying...prayers for a healthy baby, prayers for the best scenario possible, prayers for all of us!    

 

 

Update on Little Bean

Well, we've hit the 24 week mark with Little Bean! One week better than the last and so much to be thankful for...

24 weeks marks viability for this babe...three more weeks for a full sigh of relief for me, knowing the road would be long but not as worrisome! 

Three more weeks to pass the mark the time that I needed to go on bed rest with Kenzi. Every week after 27 is a gift in my mind! 

I had an appointment on Tuesday that changed the course a bit. My cervical length had been hanging around 35mm after I had my cerclage placed (it had been around 20mm at that time...my doc told me to think of it like a drawstring, when you pull everything together, things gets a little thicker.). Well, we went to start the ultrasound and my cervix was once again "dynamic" as the doctor put it. You could literally watch it go from 30s down to teens. Yes, I said teens....12mm to be exact. So the first restriction was placed of no outreach for work. Flying across the state to Rapid and up to Fargo is out, which was okay in my book, as I didn't want to be that far away, have something happen and have Jon that far away. So then yesterday afternoon, I felt off. Something just didn't feel right. So when it continued this morning, I went back in today and my "dynamic" cervix was now not being so dynamic and going back and forth, but just staying in the teens again. *sigh* So it was decided that I will do the same steroid shot that I did with Kenzi (betamethasone) today and tomorrow. Spend the next few days resting and then go back to work half-days until my next ultrasound. My cerclage is saving me from complete bedrest right now, as it is keeping the cervix closed, which is the job. (I had told Dr. Mac to tie things extra tight, so hopefully that'll be the trick!) We are going to take things one day at a time and see what happens.

Little Bean continues to grow and is certainly looking more like a baby on the pictures. When you start getting the 3D ultrasounds at 16 weeks, they don't look quite so adorable. Jackson has informed me numerous times that Little Bean is not very cute right now....until this last time around. I showed the kiddos the picture and Jackson said "Mom, his (yes he always says he...no, we do not know this babe's gender) nose looks like a real nose now and his cheeks are getting cuter!" They measured Little Bean at 1 lb 9 oz on Tuesday, so growing nicely at this point in time. And today's pictures showed the world's cutest little lips, wouldn't you say?!?


We have been in this spot before (although a few weeks earlier this time around) and I am confident that we can do this all again. I know there are people who are rolling their eyes and thinking, "If you've already been down this road once, why did you choose to do this again." I've heard some of the joking/sarcastic remarks of, "better make this your last baby so you don't have to put everyone else through this again."  I felt this way last time and I will continue to have the same thought process, which is this: while having preterm labor is not fun and not easy, it is not life threatening to me or to this baby. If I had extreme preeclampsia last time or something that put my life in danger or this baby's life in danger, we would have not done this again. I can do this again...I've done it before and can do it again.

I have prayed for more than 2 years that if God could not give us a healthy baby, then don't give us another chance at all and we will consider other options to expand our family, but God obviously has different plans for our family. This baby has been prayed over well before he/she was conceived. We prayerfully went into this knowing what could happen. We have taken out insurance policies to help if something were to happen and have been prepared for this. Having another baby in this family was not done half-hazardously, as some people may think. And no, I am not going to say that this is for sure our last baby, because I have a thing about permanently taking a person's fertility...I'm guessing it has something to do with having two aunts who passed away and when I think about that and what if something happened to myself or Jon and we found someone else to love and marry, I don't want to have made that permanent of a decision for their future. I don't want to intervene and make something permanent if that is not what God's plan is for us. Am I saying we will do this again...no Am I saying we won't...no...because that is not my decision, that is God's decision. So I am also graciously asking (in the nicest way possible) that if you hold the previous opinion, please keep it to yourself. If you cannot be supportive for us because you do not share the same opinion, then that is okay...just please don't share it with me or with anyone else either. It is not helpful for me to hear these things from anyone...it is stressful and heart wrenching for me to hear this and the last thing I need is more stress. We are bringing a life into this world. We are not doing this selfishly and without faith. We are doing this with full faith and I know that God's works is at hand.


What we need right now are a lot of prayers. Pray that cutting back on hours is all I need. Pray for this baby to grow and be healthy. Pray for Dr. McNamara as he makes decisions regarding this pregnancy. He is a phenomenal physician and I could not ask to be in any better hands than his. Pray for things to stabilize and not change. Pray for our entire family. Any prayers that you are willing to give, are greatly appreciated!

Please don't judge me...

Please don't judge me...this is hard for me to say to others. Because I fear that you will judge me for what I'm about to say. 

I don't worry about my kids. It's not worth it to me. 

Now that you've thought 'what is wrong with this mother?!? Who says that about their own children?' let me explain...I started doing an online bible study through Proverbs 31 called Am I Messing Up My Kids? by Lysa TerKeurst and as I read the chapter for today, I got all teared up...because it's exactly how I feel but fear that other moms would take it the wrong way...that I don't care about my kids...which isn't true.

My parenting philosophy started well before my kids were here...back to when Jon & I were engaged and I was working in the NICU. I had the privilege of taking care of this beautiful baby girl, Jentry. She was born with an omphalocele and I had her over a weekend. On Saturday, her parents, Carrie & Jeremy, came in to see her and get an update. As I'm updating them on how Jentry's night was and how her labs looked, Carrie turned to me and said, "We can't do this to her just because we want to be parents." And just like that, looking at these two most faithful people, my parenting philosophy changed completely. These two people showed me so much about parenting and faith, all in a few short hours. They showed me that while I love my children with all of my might, I can't control what happens to them....I can't control the plan that God has already made for them. I will protect them to the best of my ability, with all of my might...I will teach them to look both ways before crossing the street, talk to them about water safety, talk about stranger danger and will do everything I can to keep them safe.  I only send my children with people that I trust. If I don't trust them whole heartedly with my children's life, then I won't do it. It's part of doing my best to keep them safe...to the best of my ability. Because that is my job as their mother. So when I read this, it just hit home!

It's okay for us moms to be protective over our children and watch out for their well-being. That's one of the most important aspects of our job. But it's not okay for the fear of the unknown to paralyze us and stifle our kids in the process. The reality is that God has assigned a certain number of days to our children, and nothing we do or don't do will add to that number. 

It is exactly what I've been thinking and feeling, yet too scared to say outloud, for fear of being judged. I still struggle at times and it hasn't been an overnight, worry-free life. I struggled to let anyone else drive my kids, but with time and prayer, this has gotten easier. Because it has everything to do with trust...if I trust that person with all my heart, I will be ok if something happened to them in their care (well, not ok, but not angry). If I don't, then I won't send them. God knows how many days each of my precious children are needed here on this earth to fulfill His purpose. I can hope and pray it is long, but there is nothing I can do beyond that, so why worry?

So I'd like to leave you with this thought (also from this devotional and slightly modified but powerful): 

They are God's children. He gave them to us, and if He chooses, He might take them. But whether He leaves or takes them, we have to stand here today and say we love Him no matter what. We're not saying we love what He might allow to happen, but we must love God for who He is, not what He does. 

There is no greater earthly love than a parent's love for their children. Only God loves them more. And I can say that with all my heart, I put my children's lives into His loving hand and know He has a plan for them. So being an overprotective, can't let them out of my sight, helicopter-like mom doesn't honor that love and respect that I have for this God who loves me and choose me to be their mother...because I am exactly the mom that my children needed. And for that, I thank God! 

Happy sweet, sweet Birthday!!

Our Kenzington Jolee turned three...THREE!!! I can't believe it...three whole years ago that we went through this crazy summer to get that beautiful little girl brought healthily into this world! This sweet, sassy little girl had been such an amazing blessing to our family! She has taught us that anytime is a good time to dance, little girl hands turn any recipie into straight goodness and that there isn't another little girl who adores he big brother as much as her!! 

Kenzi had a spectacular birthday party!! She had fantastic friends and family here to celebrate with her. She was so adorable when she saw her birthday cake all completed! I turned around her cake and she goes, "Hi Dinder-wella" and smiled! Adorable!!

The other funny story:

So we're saying bedtime prayers at night and decided to say special prayers, rather than the typical bedtime prayers. So she's repeating along, saying our prayer:

"God, thank you for blessing our family with this little girl. You have blessed our day with great family, wonderful friends and spectacular weather." To which Kenzi repeats all in stride,, " great family, wonderful friends and opening presents." 

Happy sweet, sweet Birthdaym Kenzington Jolee!! We hope you loved your day as much as we do!!