Monday, October 15, 2012

I am a Mother of Angels.

Two and a half years ago, to the date exactly, we found out that we had lost our baby. It was my second pregnancy and we were thrilled when we found out. Jackson was 2 1/2 years old and anxious for a sibling. I had planned an entire life for this small being inside of me. And then, on April 15th, we found out that life was gone.
I had started spotting...something I hadn't done in my first pregnancy. My regular doctor wasn't in clinic that day so I saw a different doctor, who had to give us the news that I had miscarried this baby. I knew it by the look on the sonographer's face, by the way she measured everything else, rather than looking for a heart beat. I just knew...and my heart was broken. I didn't want to have a D&C. It felt inhumane to me. It felt wrong to me, even though the baby was no longer alive. So I decided to wait. I decided to just let nature take it's course instead...until the bleeding didn't stop. And I ended up in the ER, dizzy from losing so much blood, pale and scared. I'll never forget being wheeled back to the OR. Jon holding my hand as long as he possibly could...the tears rolling down my face as the anesthesiologist put the mask over my face...and the wonderful person who wiped those tears away. Those are things that I will never forget. We decided that even though we didn't know if this baby was a boy or a girl, but we knew one thing for sure and that this baby needed a name. Mac Riley

Fast forward a few more months and I was pregnant again. They measured HCG levels, they checked progesterone levels, both of which were low. It was almost inevitable, but we were hopeful. Would we get to keep this baby? Would this baby join our family? Or would we have another heart break again. August 18th...we had an early ultrasound scheduled due to my last miscarriage. I laid down and the scan started...and ended with "I'm sorry. I'm just not seeing what we're looking for." At least this time, the sonographer had enough strength to tell us rather than tell us to wait for the doctor. So we went downstairs to meet my new OB. (I had previously seen family practice and because of the first miscarriage, my doctor wanted to refer me onto a specialist). What a way to meet someone new...going over options. Except this time, I didn't really have time to let nature take it's course. Jack's third birthday was on Saturday and we had family coming to town. So instead, I opted for the D&C this time. Same story...different day. The anesthesiologist said that he could see by the look on my face that I wasn't coming for an elective procedure. Nope, not really. And the same thing...exactly 4 months later, going under anesthesia, tears rolling down my face, losing another baby...losing another life. Mady Lou

For a long time, we didn't tell anyone. Please don't be offended if you didn't know about this. It wasn't about that in any way. There were only a few people who knew that I had miscarried. Not even our parents knew. I didn't want to broadcast it to the world. I didn't want the whole world to know that we were trying to have another baby. I didn't want everyone to ask questions non-stop or assume things if I didn't have a glass of wine that day, I was pregnant. I didn't want any of it. I just wanted my husband. We leaned on each other, rather than having our parent swoop in to take care of us. And that was exactly what I needed. It took me a while to figure out why I didn't want anyone to know, why I didn't want our parents to know. And then I realized it was because I wanted my husband...and I didn't want to hurt their feelings by pushing them away and telling them that we didn't need them. I knew that it would be hurtful...I mean, I'd be hurt if my daughter told me she just wanted her husband and not her mom. We will always need them, but this was different. It was the hardest time in our lives, but it brought us back to a place that we hadn't been to in a long time. And then in November, when we hadn't been tracking cycles or actually "trying" I got pregnant with our daughter. And the last six months were a new part of our past.

As time went on, I realized that it didn't need to be a secret. I didn't need to not talk about it. And the more people I shared it with, the more people came out with their own stories. And that's what October 15th is all about. It's about sharing your pain, sharing your life, sharing your experience.  
I am a mother of two precious angels. I can't wait for the day to know if they were boys or girls. And someday I will. It's hard not knowing right now. But God has plans for everything and he had a reason for this. He always does.

So today, I'm choosing to remember Mac and Mady and what they gave us in their short time with our family.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Critical Thinking 101

Q: If you were driving in the car, didn't have sunglasses, needed to take a nap, but the sun was in your face, what would you do?
A: You wear your new tiger mask you got on your zoo trip.
A+ for critical thinking skills, Jackson!

Monday, October 8, 2012

Jackson, 0 Car Mirror, 1

 In the game of life, you don't get 10 points for taking out car mirrors...although Jack thought maybe he could!
  Yup, Jack had a run-in with a side car mirror today. He was trying to get around Jon in the parking lot today, squeezed his way around and darn it, he's just the right height to smack right into a car mirror and cause some damage! So a trip to Acute Care, some DermaBond glue and a few tears later, we were done!

Nothing a little Cherry Berry won't fix though!
Two 'boy' injuries in 5 years isn't so bad!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


We had our very first parent/teacher conferences this week. And I'm not gonna lie...I was nervous! While we haven't heard anything from his teacher, there have been no trips to the principal's office, nothing that screams Jack is having problems...I was still nervous! Who knows what will come out of the mouth of his teacher. Jack has had some new behaviors that have come out and we have no idea where they are coming from...so needless to say, I was nervous!

Jackson told Jon that his teacher would probably say a lot of good things and only a couple bad things...and he was right! Mostly good...a couple things to work on, which is no surprise. Jackson can certainly be an 'in your face' kind of friend...which doesn't always go over well with others! It's certainly something to work on, and it'll take some time. But if that's one of the only things, it's pretty minor and I'm okay with that!

So huge sigh of relief as we walked out, knowing that we're doing something right. Onto the rest of the semester!