19 days until 32 weeks
33 days until 34 weeks
47 days until 36 weeks
Currently: 29 2/7 weeks
Okay, so I knew this day would come that all of this would hit me. Yes, I understand the seriousness of all this and yes, I understand that this will all be fine and that we are trusting in the Lord to keep us safe through all of this. But tonight is a rough night. Probably because I had Jon and Jack here almost the whole weekend and they just left. Or maybe it's because my ultrasound is tomorrow and to be honest, I'm terrified. I don't know what is causing all of it. I know that things have been somewhat stable, still contracting, but nothing excessive, no other signs of labor, but I'm still scared. I'm terrified that even stability doesn't mean that Monkey will stay inside. I'm scared that if I am stable enough to go home, I won't know I'm having contractions until it's too late and I'll deliver even earlier than expected. I'm scared if I go home, that no matter what, this baby will come sooner than later. For some reason, being in the hospital gives me the comfort of knowing that the doctors (and myself) did everything possible to keep this pregnancy going. If I go home, that's solely on me. What if I miss contractions AGAIN and I don't come in soon enough to be able to do anything about it? What if I feel like I'm doing fine and start thinking I'm ok to get up every so often, knowing what I should do, but thinking, oh putting in that load of laundry won't be a big deal and then that happens too much and it is a big deal? Will I know that I'm pushing myself too much before I'm seen again? I know that I'll have frequent doctor's appointments, but what if once a week isn't enough or I have major changes the day after I'm seen and don't realize it and I'm not scheduled to be seen again until next week, will I know? I have so many 'what ifs' that it's driving me nuts. I'm trying to keep my brain occupied by reading, watching movies, etc...but honestly, the best thing has been this new found hobby of crocheting. Sounds old ladyish...I know! But it keeps my mind busy. I have to count stitches, I have to figure things out and that is good for my very preoccupied mind right now!
But I'm still scared. I'm worried and nervous about what the future holds for us. If Monkey arrives in the next few weeks, what long term effects will we have? Will he/she have long term health problems because of this, will it be a miracle and he/she will turn out as perfectly healthy as Jack did? How will having a baby in the NICU affect Jack? Is he old enough to understand and comprehend all of this? Are we expecting too much out of him? I don't know. It's all of the unknowns that run through my brain. And all I can do right now is pray. Pray for understanding. Pray for peace. Pray for our family.
I had a friend stopped by today and it was the best conversation and exactly what I needed. She is a labor and delivery nurse so she understands this...from all sides. She has a son about Jack's age, so she gets how this affects our family. She's a labor and delivery nurse, so she understands all of my fears. Not that our other friends haven't been able to understand...it's just that she got it. She said a lot of things that made sense and put my mind at ease. Going through all of this is going to have to force Jon and I to do things and let go of things that we never have before. We don't have the complete control that we did before, and that's okay. She helped me realize that as tough as all of this is, this will make us stronger. Stronger as a couple, stronger as parents, stronger as a family. It was a blessing to have her stop by and I'm sure she'll never fully realize how awesome and amazing that was.
So yes, tonight is a tough night. Tomorrow will be another day. We will have more answers tomorrow about what the plan is and know more about how Monkey is doing. Pray that tomorrow is a better day! So in the mean time, I'm going to keep reminding myself day after day that God never, ever gives us more than we can handle. In every situation that He puts us in, He knows that we can handle it. He knows what He's doing and we just have to trust in His plan. Day by day...
But I'm still scared. I'm worried and nervous about what the future holds for us. If Monkey arrives in the next few weeks, what long term effects will we have? Will he/she have long term health problems because of this, will it be a miracle and he/she will turn out as perfectly healthy as Jack did? How will having a baby in the NICU affect Jack? Is he old enough to understand and comprehend all of this? Are we expecting too much out of him? I don't know. It's all of the unknowns that run through my brain. And all I can do right now is pray. Pray for understanding. Pray for peace. Pray for our family.
I had a friend stopped by today and it was the best conversation and exactly what I needed. She is a labor and delivery nurse so she understands this...from all sides. She has a son about Jack's age, so she gets how this affects our family. She's a labor and delivery nurse, so she understands all of my fears. Not that our other friends haven't been able to understand...it's just that she got it. She said a lot of things that made sense and put my mind at ease. Going through all of this is going to have to force Jon and I to do things and let go of things that we never have before. We don't have the complete control that we did before, and that's okay. She helped me realize that as tough as all of this is, this will make us stronger. Stronger as a couple, stronger as parents, stronger as a family. It was a blessing to have her stop by and I'm sure she'll never fully realize how awesome and amazing that was.
So yes, tonight is a tough night. Tomorrow will be another day. We will have more answers tomorrow about what the plan is and know more about how Monkey is doing. Pray that tomorrow is a better day! So in the mean time, I'm going to keep reminding myself day after day that God never, ever gives us more than we can handle. In every situation that He puts us in, He knows that we can handle it. He knows what He's doing and we just have to trust in His plan. Day by day...
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