Two and a half
years ago, to the date exactly, we found out that we had lost our baby. It was
my second pregnancy and we were thrilled when we found out. Jackson was 2 1/2
years old and anxious for a sibling. I had planned an entire life for this small
being inside of me. And then, on April 15th, we found out that life was gone.
I
had started spotting...something I hadn't done in my first pregnancy. My regular
doctor wasn't in clinic that day so I saw a different doctor, who had to give us
the news that I had miscarried this baby. I knew it by the look on the
sonographer's face, by the way she measured everything else, rather than looking
for a heart beat. I just knew...and my heart was broken. I didn't want to have a
D&C. It felt inhumane to me. It felt wrong to me, even though the
baby was no longer alive. So I decided to wait. I decided to just let nature
take it's course instead...until the bleeding didn't stop. And I ended up in the
ER, dizzy from losing so much blood, pale and scared. I'll never forget being
wheeled back to the OR. Jon holding my hand as long as he possibly
could...the tears rolling down my face as the anesthesiologist put the mask over
my face...and the wonderful person who wiped those tears away. Those are things
that I will never forget. We decided that even though we didn't
know if this baby was a boy or a girl, but we knew one thing for sure and that this baby needed a name.
Mac Riley
Fast forward a few
more months and I was pregnant again. They measured HCG levels, they checked
progesterone levels, both of which were low. It was almost inevitable, but we
were hopeful. Would we get to keep this baby? Would this baby join our family?
Or would we have another heart break again. August 18th...we had an early
ultrasound scheduled due to my last miscarriage. I laid down and the scan
started...and ended with "I'm sorry. I'm just not seeing what we're looking
for." At least this time, the sonographer had enough strength to tell us rather
than tell us to wait for the doctor. So we went downstairs to meet my new OB. (I
had previously seen family practice and because of the first miscarriage, my
doctor wanted to refer me onto a specialist). What a way to meet someone
new...going over options. Except this time, I didn't really have time to let
nature take it's course. Jack's third birthday was on Saturday and we had
family coming to town. So instead, I opted for the D&C this time. Same
story...different day. The anesthesiologist said that he could see by the look
on my face that I wasn't coming for an elective procedure. Nope, not really. And
the same thing...exactly 4 months later, going under anesthesia, tears rolling
down my face, losing another baby...losing another life. Mady Lou
For a long time, we
didn't tell anyone. Please don't be offended if you didn't know about this. It wasn't about that in any way. There were only a few people who knew that I had miscarried.
Not even our parents knew. I didn't want to broadcast it to the world. I didn't
want the whole world to know that we were trying to have another baby. I didn't
want everyone to ask questions non-stop or assume things if I didn't have a
glass of wine that day, I was pregnant. I didn't want any of it. I just wanted
my husband. We leaned on each other, rather than having our parent swoop in to
take care of us. And that was exactly what I needed. It took me a while to
figure out why I didn't want anyone to know, why I didn't want our parents to
know. And then I realized it was because I wanted my husband...and I didn't want
to hurt their feelings by pushing them away and telling them that we didn't need
them. I knew that it would be hurtful...I mean, I'd be hurt if my daughter told
me she just wanted her husband and not her mom. We will always need them, but this was different. It was the hardest time in our lives, but it brought
us back to a place that we hadn't been to in a long time. And then in November,
when we hadn't been tracking cycles or actually "trying" I got pregnant with our
daughter. And the last six months were a new part of our past.
As time went on, I
realized that it didn't need to be a secret. I didn't need to not talk about it.
And the more people I shared it with, the more people came out with their own
stories. And that's what October 15th is all about. It's about sharing your pain, sharing your life, sharing your experience.
I am a mother of two
precious angels. I can't wait for the day to know if they were boys or girls.
And someday I will. It's hard not knowing right now. But God has plans for
everything and he had a reason for this. He always does.
So today, I'm
choosing to remember Mac and Mady and what they gave us in their short time with
our family.
